The words I should have said ........

Five years ago today my precious brother was taken away from us. I have been around a lot of young people dying in my life sadly - I have lost 3 cousins all between ages 10 - 21, one of my closest friends growing up lost his mom and 2 brothers when we were only in 6th grade and one of my friends died at age 17 the summer after I graduated from highschool - but nothing could prepare me for the paralyzing pain I felt when I heard my brother was gone. The pain is still here but manageable now - my Aunt Maggie told me to think of the lump I feel in my throat everytime I try to talk about him and everytime I think about him as a lump of sugar and to be thankful we were close enough that I still have that lump!!





At my brothers memorial service in Seattle and in Albuquerque I wanted to speak - I wanted to tell everyone how much my brother meant to me and how great he really was, but I couldn't do it. For 5 years I have felt bad becuase I should have been stronger than that - it was so hard for me to learn how to be strong on my own when the person who had held me up my entire life was suddenly gone. I was Jeff's little sister and then all of sudden I was without my big brother and I couldn't breath.

Here are the words I should have said on those days to honor my brother ....

My brother was the best brother I could have ever hoped for. He was kind, thoughtful, easy to talk to, protective and never once did I ever wonder if he loved me. I looked up to my brother more than he even knew. When we were in school and he would catch me trying to borrow his sweaters and shirts and in frustration as only a big brother can be about his little sister :) he would ask me why do you want to wear my clothes - the answer I was too embarrassed to tell him was that I wanted to look cool and he was cool so if I wore something of his then I new it would be cool just like him! I always wanted and needed his opinion on everything - I remember buying my first TV and stereo - my dad was with me and of course I totally needed him there and wanted his opinion, but I just had to make sure Jeff thought what I picked out was good too - so from a Dallas BestBuy I called Seattle before I made my purchase. There were so many times my brother could have said I told you so when I made stupid decisions that always ended up with me hurt and he never did - he would just pick me up time and time again and help me get back on my feet. I can still feel his hand on my back the way he use to touch it and ask if my back was feeling okay - and then the look he would give me when he knew I was lying and said my back didn't hurt and I was fine. He worried about me. He was so afraid of what could happen to me because of my back problems I remember him yelling me at bar in Dallas once because I was jumping to that old song "Jump Around Jump Around ..." - I just laughed and said I can't jump to a song but you can jump out of planes - his response was so sweet when he said but "you are my little sister".

My brother pushed the limits always - from riding bikes, to three wheelers, playing football, skateboarding, skiing, snowboarding, sky diving and then the ultimate BASE jumping. I worried about him all the time but would have never told him not to do what he loved to do - that's who he was and although we lost him early at least we saw who he really was - the true Jeff - he never pretended - he was who he was and I loved him for that and will forever miss him. My brother was so much a part of me that the first time I looked in the mirror after he died I didn't know who I was looking at. My own reflection looked different to me - I guess it's because I am different now a part of me is gone - my brother is gone.

Thankfully because of a conversation we had just about 1 week before he died I know he is in Heaven and he comes down here all the time and watches out for my crazy boys!!! They require a lot from their guardian angel and I know he is up for the task!!!

I love you brother and will see you someday!!! Your seeessster.